10 Tips to Boost Conversational Confidence
Adapted from my article first published with Forbes, December 2020
Photo by Alena Jarrett on Unsplash
According to the National Institute of Mental Health[1], fear of public speaking affects 73% of the population. Often, this personal fear trickles into everyday conversation, preventing us from being our best at work. Have you ever been in a meeting with an idea to add, but the voice in your head is making you spin. “Is this really important?” “What phrasing would be best?” “Will they think this is stupid?” And the group’s conversation continues, and you’re distracted from the content while the voice in your head is still whispering doubts. “Does it matter now?” “Seems they’ve moved on …” “Perhaps it wasn’t really important anyway.” And the meeting ends with you still in silence.
This ‘conversational doubt’ creates a debilitating combination of career limiting factors:
First, you are in the meeting because someone wants your input on a topic, and you didn’t deliver in the moment.
Second, you had an idea that was relevant, and the organization didn’t get that benefit.
Third, the nagging voice in your head is winning – and, eroding your own confidence.
Fourth, your lasting impression is comprised … why didn’t she speak up?
While it’s not mandatory to speak up in every situation, it’s important to have the confidence and communication skills to share your ideas and interact, especially at work. The abilities to contribute expertise or perspective, and to build relationships, are cornerstone to long-term career effectiveness and satisfaction. Not only do they help you provide value to the organization, your contribution helps you to stay engaged and enjoy being part of the organization.
Since there is substantial research and science around anxiety and public speaking, we can turn to those resources later. For now, let’s focus on the impact of the low-grade gremlin whispers, causing ‘conversational doubt’ resulting in the inability to comfortably speak up in a group.
Here are several tactics that can help you calm those nerves, outsmart doubt, andyou're your comment in the flow of the conversation. Don’t hold back, or wait for the perfect moment. Just jump in and be part of the flow.
Remember your track record
It’s highly unlikely that you have a significant track record of conversational mistakes. Sure, there may have been some rough spots, but that is true for anyone. It’s more likely than not, that the fear is in your head and the evidence tells a stronger story. The evidence is right. This is normal, everyday self-doubt, and you are smarter than your doubt.
Find your specific triggers
Low self-confidence is the most frequent reason I hear for being timid. But this bucket is too generic to be helpful. Take time to become aware of your specific personal triggers and patterns of timidity and use that awareness to tailor specific strategies. You’ll find that you have more strength and control than your think.
Believe in your contribution
Always remember that you’ve been hired and promoted based on your talent. The organization sees your strengths and wants your contribution. Believe for yourself that they want to hear from you!
Taking action breeds confidence
If low confidence is your blocker, rely on research to be your breakthrough. Kay and Shipman report that research repeatedly shows that taking action builds confidence[2]. Thus, you need to act on the impulse to share your idea and a feeling of increased self-confidence will naturally follow. That’s how athletes make it happen; and you can do it too.
Speak up early
As with other experiences, the more we worry or “dwell” the harder it seems to become. Thus, it’s helpful to find a way to add an idea early in a meeting and build your own momentum. This single tip is often a big game changer.
Focus on the work
Take the spotlight off yourself. Add your comment in the spirit of improving the work, and that’s in everyone’s best interest. Your insight will be appreciated.
A little preparation makes a big difference
Often just a bit of advance thinking can bring the edge you need. Take a couple of minutes before a meeting to think about the content that will be covered and the other folks in attendance. How can your expertise help them? If you think about your contribution in advance, it can ease the pressure to contribute in the moment.
Use echo’s and questions
If you don’t have a new idea, you should still join the interaction. People want to hear what resonates with your expertise, or what is missing from your perspective. Simple tactics include providing support for certain ideas, adding clarity to the conversation, expanding an idea, or leading the group to explore a related issue that might be helpful. You don’t need to have uniquely brilliant answers to add a meaningful comment. Just be yourself and chime in.
Skip the judgment worry
Many of us are afraid that others will judge our contributions. But this is less likely than you anticipate; the focus on work outcomes tends to diminish personal whiplash. Think about it: you’re probably not judging them, and they’re probably not judging you.
Visualize conversational fluidity
Take time to outsmart doubt by picturing yourself at ease in the conversation. If you can’t yet imagine this about yourself, then think of a conversational role model and imagine that you are on equal footing with them. Bring that image of the “conversational you” to every meeting.
For many, and not just introverts, it's uncomfortable to jump into the conversation. But, the success and satisfaction of our careers depend on it. Don't over-index on being right or being perfect, but join the conversation to share your everyday thinking in the spirit of doing great work together. Your confidence will follow ...
[1] https://nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/2017/02/20/public-speaking-and-fear-of-brain-freezes/
[2] Kay and Shipman, The Confidence Code, page 3